KP Ba’s philosophy of Batase Anda

 

KP Ba’s philosophy of Batase Anda

By Phatengra

The other day our great political emperor KP Ba threw his newly manufactured philosophy of Batase anda. Now in the gallery of Nepali politics, the contention of Batase Anda has reached its boiling point. Everyone says that KP Baje’s anda is the fertilized one, while Balen’s anda is the batase one. So, who has a Batase anda and who does not has become the bone of contention. Many political experts have suggested sending both andas for the laboratory test to identify which one is the batase anda.   

 

In order to know people’s opinion about KP Ba’s batase anda philosophy, I visited Jhapa-5 constituency and met with the local people. This is the high-stakes constituency where our great-grandfather KP Oli will take on today’s Mike Tyson, Balen Shah. 

I was amazed as KP Baje charged Balen with his notorious upper hook by calling Balen "batase anda" and declaring himself the fertilized anda. However, I found that not the entire brigade of MLA followers could dare to ask Oli Baje when his anda was fertilized. Because overtly we Nepali people have never seen his fertilized anda—if covertly any of his anda was fertilized, then god knows. 

When Oli Ba’s upper hook miserably failed to land on target, he wasted no time and landed his infamous left cut by saying that Balen has copied the Bulldozer stunt from Adittyanath Yogi, the present, ruling minister of Uttar Pradesh, India. Oli Baje blamed Balen by saying that he ravaged the colony of sukumbasi (landless squatters) in Yogi style and made them homeless. But Balen successfully defended Oli Ba’s nasty attack, and he simply replied by saying that those people had been residing on the path of a river. In order to save their lives, they were removed from the area. 

I met one of the dedicated Oli’s Jhole in Jhapa and learned that Oli Ba has made it mandatory for all of his Jholes to defend him from angry accusations of the public by hook or by crook. 

“But this time it is utmost difficult to defend an old fort, which is already on the brink of total collapse. You cannot face the enraged people of the country now,” I said while eating hot Jeri made by Dhamala Ji. 

“Yes, you may be right on your own accord, but our great emperor KP Ba has already given us a formula,” the Jhole said. Upon hearing this, I was astounded to such a degree that I almost fell off my chair. 

“What? A formula!!@#$? For God's sake, can you please tell me about that formula? ---Janta wants to know,” I begged. 

Upon this, he smiled awkwardly and tilted to his right side and possibly released some methane gas before speaking. In the meantime, I noticed that his badly stained teeth urgently needed Wheel detergent powder to clean them at the earliest. 

“Our emperor KP Ba has made uncountable promises with the people, but has he ever met any of those promises in his life? Of course not. That means our people are addicted to listening to promises and future plans, and they are happy with that. So, the formula is to spread as many lies (oh, sorry, I mean promises) among the people as possible, and finally the magic will work as ever as always,” said the Jhole confidently. After saying this, he once again tilted to his right, but before he could release more methane gas to pollute the environment, I ran away from there. 

The great Indian politician Lalu Ji once said that politics is opium. Lalu ji is right. He had the talent of swimming in the drums of rum, whisky, and brandy, but not a single drop would he ever consume. What a talent! Some unconfirmed sources have revealed the fact that KP Ba belonged to the first batch of Lalu ji’s political coaching class. The famous slogan in Lalu’s party was “Jabtak aalu rahega tabtak Lalu rahega.” But in Nepal the slogan has been twisted and distorted to make it more suitable for the party as “Jabasamma KP chh tabasamma MLA party chh.” Does anyone have the guts to remove him from his seat? Forget about removing him; no one can budge him even an inch. As long as KP Ba’s kidneys are working, no one can touch him. That is final.  

Anyway, I was thrilled at knowing all this information only after reaching Jhapa-5. After wrapping up a five-day tour of Jhapa, I was on my way to Surkhet, my hometown. 

It is unfortunate that many politicians strongly believe that political power opens up the doors of power, prestige, and wealth. Political power helps them to acquire anything they wish. There is nothing that a powerful political leader cannot get during his tenure. Everyone will be at their feet. The people will compete with each other to touch the feet of their lords. If this is not true, then you can see how Sher Bahadur, KP Oli, and Prachanda ruled their respective parties. They talk about democracy and freedom, but where are democracy and freedom in their parties? They are ruling their parties like dictators. Can anyone dare to question them in their faces? No, never. 

Now the time has come for the people of Nepal to wake up and correct their past mistakes and choose the right candidates and the right political party.

About the author

Well, many people don't know me by my real name. They love to call me Phatengra. Maybe it is because I don't stay in one place for long. However, the truth has it that I always prefer living alone in a quiet place. Thus, I have made a small hut in the middle of the forest in Surkhet. Whenever I want to retire in peace, I go there and live as many days as I wish. But Phatengra cannot live in one place; it has to make a leap. Phatengra can be reached at mephatengra@gmail.com